A therapist of mine once told me that everyone tends to experience a major shift in their lives between twenty-seven and thirty years of age. Well, maybe that explains why, at twenty-six years old, I feel like everything is about change – my job, the state I live in, and my identity. As I type this, “R.I.P.” by Rita Ora plays on my Apple Music shuffle. I hear:

“R.I.P. to the girl you used to see. Her days are over.”

Talk about divine timing, am I right? Well, before I dive into the present, let’s take it back to the beginning…of my life story.

From a young age, I have always been ambitious, a hard worker. I excelled in grade school and numerous other pursuits – piano, softball, field hockey, orchestra, and reading. I was also that girl that everyone got along with but never truly fit in with a single group or clique. I had an average childhood, nothing too out of the ordinary. One thing I knew for certain, I wanted to move on to bigger and better things. I have always had big dreams and could not wait to let go of the small town I grew up in, along with the negative aspects that came with it – bullies, classes that didn’t challenge me enough, family drama, and my “little box.” Many people have tried to keep me in that “little box” over the years. It becomes quite obvious over time that I have always been running; always pushing against the lid that confines me, the lid that is keeping me stuck inside the metaphorical box which limits me, quiets me, and holds me back. The first major moment I cracked open the lid of that box was when I pursued skipping a grade in high school. I was successful and graduated in 3 years, so that I could move 4.5 hours away to an out-of-state university for my undergrad program at Christopher Newport University.

In college, I pursued a bachelor’s degree in math because I was good at solving problems, I succeeded in math advanced placement (AP) courses in high school, and everyone told me I was good at math. I would be lying if I said it had nothing to do with the average salaries for STEM graduates entering the workforce. I listened to other people’s opinions and allowed the promise of extrinsic motivations to drive me forward with the math route. I had a strong interest in psychology and music but shut those options out since they did not promise lucrative careers.

For someone so focused on external gratification and wealth, it is ironic that I fell into teaching after I graduated in December 2015 (yup, I was an early graduate in college as well). Nothing against the profession – I loved teaching. The two schools I taught at were just not a good fit for me long-term, and I realized I prefer to work with adults over children. In 2018, I turned in my letter of resignation in hopes of making a career shift, particularly into accounting or finance, both of which piqued my interest and offered opportunities for me with my capacity for mathematics. Looking back, there was also a part of me that opted to leave my employer with hopes I would find a job farther away, farther away from my ex-fiancé. I was running, again. Despite our broken off engagement, he was still haunting me after years of abuse, rage, and manipulation. But this isn’t his story, so his two minutes are almost up. I mention him because that relationship and freeing myself from it really impacted and shaped me. He had put me back in that box I had so long yearned to escape. I had to learn to use my voice again, ask for help, regain my independence and freedom, and start over.

After a year spent living back in my childhood home, I moved out onto my own again, with my six guinea pigs, and pursued a full-time job in finance. The year prior had been spent tutoring college math students at a community college. I also tutored high school math students as a side hustle. I did a bunch of yoga. I said goodbye to my therapist when the time felt right. I hiked an entire mountain by myself. I visited my best friend in Colorado, twice. I also met my current partner, Jonathan, who taught me how to truly love and be loved. He helped me heal in ways I never thought possible for the twenty-three-year-old girl who felt broken and lost after leaving toxicity and a version of herself in the past. He is my absolute best friend. Our path is unique, but I know he is meant to be in my life.

So, here I am now, working in finance as an assistant. My two-year anniversary is actually this week. I work for a great company, but I question whether finance is the industry for me or not. I know for certain the assistant life is not for me. My current role is incredibly demanding, intense, and high stress. I feel burn out starting to consume me. It does not help that throughout my twenty-six years, I have exhibited and developed a need to please others and impress, along with perfectionism. I have found it difficult to maintain a work-life balance. I feel myself stuck again and wanting to flee. And so, the cycle continues. I never stay in one place for too long. I’ve moved six times in the past six years.

This nomadic, fleeing pattern makes a lot of sense to me when I think about it at this point in my life. I have yet to find my true, authentic self. Despite massive amounts of growth over the past decade and refusing to let anyone dictate my life any further, I have yet to let myself outside of the box. The perfectionist, logical, mathematical, rational, reserved, goody-two-shoes, overweight, “too nice,” busy, people pleasing box. Every time I move, change jobs, meet new people, and try new things, I get closer to leaving that box in the dust. So, here I am, ready to move on. To me, that looks like moving cross-country, preferably Colorado, and being closer to the mountains. It looks like tapping into the creative and free-spirited side of Alyssa. It looks like working a job with flexible or unconventional hours, inspiring others through my own vulnerability, writing more, investing more time in musical pursuits, and having more space for introspection and stillness.

I found writing my story a bit challenging. I left many parts out and focused more on the negative chapters that transformed me rather than the successes that encouraged me along the way. That is part of my nature – to focus on my weaknesses to learn how to improve upon them and to take challenging times and use them as learning experiences. I am a lifelong learner, so I look for opportunities to learn in everything I see and do. Part of me held back in writing this autobiography because I feel like a totally different person than the scared and naïve girl who tried her best to find love and meaning in everything she did. The previous chapters of my story are always there, but that part of my story has come to an end. The most important chapter is just beginning and should have all of my focus. Alyssa’s authentic story.